Ep.116 Unmasking the Strength Within with Kasey Fierros

Ep.116 Unmasking the Strength Within with Kasey Fierros

In this moving episode of The ARCast, Kasey Fierros shares her incredible journey from addiction and trauma to recovery and resilience. Growing up in Tucson, Arizona, Kasey faced the absence of her father and the murder of her brother. She battled methamphetamine and fentanyl addictions but found the strength to seek help after a crucial turning point. Despite numerous challenges, including a traumatic horse accident and severe medical issues, Kasey stayed committed to her sobriety. She highlights the critical role of a supportive network and the transformative power of self-acceptance. Tune in to hear Kasey's inspiring story, offering hope and motivation to anyone struggling with addiction or trauma.

If you would like to join us on The ARCast, either live, in the studio, or online, be sure to click the link below and fill out the form. We'll be in contact with you and get you scheduled ASAP!
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If you, or someone you know is in need of substance abuse treatment, please contact Americas Rehab Campus. We're available 24/7 and our phone number is 1-833-272-7342.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to The ARCast
• 0:55 Introducing Kasey Fierros
• 1:42 Life on the Ranch
• 3:16 Kasey's Recovery Journey
• 5:44 Childhood and Family Struggles
• 14:52 High School Challenges
• 22:48 The Tragic Loss of a Brother
• 29:46 Breaking the Chains of Identity and Acceptance
• 31:12 The Dark Descent into Substance Abuse
• 33:12 The Struggle with Meth and Family Dynamics
• 38:13 Hitting Rock Bottom and Seeking Help
• 40:14 The Battle with Fentanyl and Methadone
• 43:09 A Journey of Redemption and Sobriety
• 46:37 Finding Strength and Purpose
• 56:51 Overcoming Challenges and Embracing Life
• 1:01:22 Final Reflections and Words of Wisdom

Transcript

Ep.116 Unmasking the Strength Within with Kasey Fierros

Booda: Good afternoon, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of The ARCast. My name is Booda, and I'm in the studio today, With one of my homegirls, I was very excited. She's on, she, when she was on her way over here, man, we've been rescheduling this shit over and over again because she can't get her time right.

No, I'm just messing with her. Yeah, I'm so blessed that she's here in the studio today, and she's got a good energy with her. She came all the way down. She's doing fantastic stuff. Everyone out there, Get your asses out of pot your seats right now and give a huge round of applause to my homegirl, Kasey Fierros.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry if I offended anyone with saying the get your asses off, I'm just in a good mood today. So, how are you doing my friend? 

Kasey: I'm doing great, um, just actually, It's not too hot today, so it's a beautiful day. 

Booda: It's not too hot. I know you're a little nervous when I said I had to turn the air off.

I apologize 

Kasey: I'm starting to get hot flashes now. just kidding, 

Booda: and you know what? For reals though, not even like any bullshit, we, we did have to reschedule it, but these were completely valid, valid, valid rescheduling because you, you do a lot of really cool things that I want people to know about. So what was the reason that we had to reschedule for the first time?

Kasey: So the first time, the reason was. We actually had a little baby colt. Um, I work at a ranch and my horse went into labor. 

Booda: That's awesome. I'm gonna give the horse another round of applause right there. 

Kasey: Thank you. 

Booda: So it's a baby colt. What is, uh, his or her name? 

Kasey: Um, honestly, we haven't named him yet. We're learning his personality, but it's between Tyson and Romeo because he's a lover, but he's also a fighter.

Oh, 

Booda: that's cool. 

Kasey: Yeah, 

Booda: that's cool. So, so you actually live On a ranch or do you work on one? How does, how does that work? 

Kasey: I reside there and I'm also working there as well. We are actually getting up to par to try to do an equine program. 

Booda: Oh, that's dope. 

Kasey: Yeah, so it's, it's pretty exciting. I mean, it's a beautiful thing waking up, um.

And seeing, you know, my view is so beautiful with the horses. Um, just loving every day, loving every day how my life changed. 

Booda: Yeah, no, I think that's fantastic. Mike, if you're listening, brother, she's, she's got some horses, man. I think that's cool. You know, we love the equine programs and everything like that.

I think that's awesome. Where in Arizona is your ranch? Is it here in Tucson? 

Kasey: It is here in Tucson. It's more, um, towards the south of Tucson, out there on San Joaquin and Bop Road. 

Booda: Oh, dope. Okay. Yeah. 

Kasey: Yeah, it's, it's beautiful. We have right now, we have, I say, uh, twelve and a half because we have another baby on the way.

Booda: Wow. 

Kasey: Yeah, another horse due in about July, August. 

Booda: That's awesome. Yeah, I'm always, I'm always passing by that. I live, I live near in, uh, 

Kasey: oh, so I'm 

Booda: always going down there. That's a far drive, man. 

Kasey: It is, man. 

Booda: So yeah, no, so for real, thank you so much for, for coming through and everything like that. I know you're also doing a lot of other I know you said you were just getting back into school.

All things that we can talk about, you know what I'm saying? You want to fill them in? 

Kasey: Absolutely. So right now I'm actually doing my RSS, my recovery support specialist certification. Um, I'm actually wanting to get a stronger job in the field, uh, BHT recovery support specialist. I just want to get out there and I want to be able to share my story with others addicts that are struggling, others that are also in recovery and still struggling.

Um, I just want to be a positive. Aspect to people. I want to help change people's lives or actually even you know Meeting other people seeing other people getting to know other people change my life as well. 

Booda: Wow, that's beautiful, man I think that's fantastic and I am I'm a firm believer that there's no such thing as coincidences and even even everything You know not to go too far, you know off topic or anything, but I mean even before We've started scheduling you coming in here.

There was so many similarities, you know, my very, very awesome and amazing shout out to my cousin, Tiffany. I know she's out there listening right now. Yeah. What up, Tiff? And then, uh, you know, Ray, you know, Alicia, I call her Bo. That's her nickname. Shout out my, my compa, Richie and Donna. I know they're out there too.

Kasey: Yes. 

Yes. I went to high school and I went to elementary to Richie. 

Booda: That's so cool, man. Yeah, no, it's. It's awesome. And, and that's why I knew the moment that, that we got all those connections. I was like, all right, this is going to be a dope episode. I'm excited. I'm a little bit sad though, because the whole time that you were here.

I don't think we ever really had that much of a conversation. We never got a chance to chop it up or anything like that. 

Kasey: I was more quiet. Um, in the time when I was here, residential, I was kind of still lost, still wondering, you know, like, is this what I want? Is this where I'm supposed to be? Um, when it came to IOP, amazing program.

I love the IOP program here. My light started coming back. You know, I started finding myself. You know, being a little bit more sociable, um, and then to be honest with you, man, every time I try to peek in here, you know, I didn't know if I was getting in trouble just to be like, this is a pretty dope studio.

Booda: Hey man, shout out to Mike, man. Mike is awesome. But, you know, no, I mean, you know, things always happen as they should, right? And this is the perfect time right now. And you know, as the ARCast, what we typically do is we start from the beginning. Because what this is all about, for anybody who's listening, if this is your first time hearing this, you know, we talk about recovery stories and we go deep into the history of whoever's in here telling their story, just so hopefully If you're out there and you may be lost or maybe struggling with something yourself, you could find something to relate to, you know what I mean?

Cause it's all about the community, right? So let's start from the beginning. Kasey, where are you from? Where were you born? 

Kasey: I was born here, uh, Tucson, Arizona. 

Booda: Okay. 

Kasey: Um, lived here most of my life. I mean, I, yeah, I've lived in Phoenix, still Arizona though. Never really lived out of state. Oh, it said I was going to move out of state, but I can't leave Tucson.

I love Tucson. I am. Gonna be 39. 

Booda: Oh man. Time 

Kasey: flew, time flew a lot. 

Booda: 39, you don't even look 39 yo, for real, like straight up. You moisturized or some shit out there on the ranch. Oh man, 

Kasey: it's that sun. It's that sun and that sweat man. 

Booda: There you go, it keeps your skin looking young man, but. What about growing up?

Did you have, uh, did you have any siblings? 

Kasey: Um, I did not have any siblings biologically. Uh, I did have, uh, someone who I referenced to as my brother, which is my first cousin. Unfortunately, he's not with us anymore. He did get murdered back in 2008. And I guess that's where mainly my addiction started. 

Booda: Okay.

Kasey: In 2008. 

Booda: And what about your parents? Did you have both of your parents growing up? 

Kasey: Um, I was always raised by a single mom and a single grandma. Awesome women. My grandma did pass away. Um, my mom is still here with us and she's just been my rock and my support and like. I want to be like her one day.

Like she's my hero. 

Booda: That's awesome. No, shout out to her and, and, and I'm so sorry to hear about, you know, the loss of your brother. You know, going into that a little bit, just curious, your biological father, was he ever in the, in the picture? Did you know who he was or anything? 

Kasey: So my biological father, I did get to meet him when I was about the age nine.

Sad part is I didn't exactly like him, but thank you for the good looks. Um, he was not, he was very absent from my life. He, uh, ended up, you know, causing controversy between my family. He was actually, you know, he was in a bad place in his life. And, uh, he basically gave my, you know, set my mom up and sent her to prison.

So at nine years old, my mom, nine, 10 years old, my mom did end up going to prison. And, you know, she was a strong woman, never been in trouble, not even a traffic ticket, worked at Raytheon, you know, and to get her absent from my life, like, that was And then from your biological father, it was like a horrible, a horrible thing any child has to experience in a moment.

Booda: Wow. Okay. No, yeah, most definitely. That's, that seems like, uh, I've never, I've never understood when people do acts of vengeance or shit like that, when, knowing that it can directly affect the kids, right? It's like, almost like they don't think the shit through. As far as addiction goes, was there any addiction in your family from your mom or your dad?

Kasey: Uh, my mom, no, my mom has, does not even have addiction problems. Um, she's still trying to understand it, but she's becoming very understanding. Before, she couldn't even address the fact that, you know, her daughter was an addict. And, um, for, to hear her say, you know, my daughter was an addict. And, you know, at the moment, it was like a beautiful thing because she came to realization that, you know, I did have a problem.

I can say, as far as my biologic father, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure he did, but like, I don't really talk to him to know or to say anything about his life. You know, cousins, they just, you know, experimental. I guess I was the pick of the litter to get actually the addiction. I'm the, I usually tell them on the black sheet, but they don't see me like that anymore.

You know, we're all, we're all equal. 

Booda: Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. You know what, dude? Honestly, doing these episodes and being in this field for so long, I feel like this whole facility is full of black sheep. You know what I mean? But at the same time too, it makes sense. Like if, you know, if, if God is making all of these amazing things happen, he's got to get some unique soldiers, right?

On the field. You know what I mean? So now there's like a lot of square pegs don't fit into round holes type of thing. That's the way that I've always seen it. Um, you know, growing up, you had two strong women in your life, and those are huge blessings. I was raised by strong women as well. Did you have a lot of family growing up, things like that?

Kasey: Yes, I actually have a lot of girl cousins, very little guy cousins, majority of girl cousins. Um, I'm actually the first generation out of the, I'm not the first generation, I'm the third generation. They're the second generation cousin. So there's three generations right now and I'm the second generation, but the oldest.

So I was always closer to the first generation. Cause you know, we all grew up together. Um, they're, you know, cousins are cousins. You grow up doing mud pies, you know, going swimming in your great grandma's backyard. Like I had a great childhood. I guess you can say when it did get a little dark for me, you know, and I do not blame my grandmother at all.

But at the time when my mom was in prison, you know, My grandmother had a boyfriend. I want to say this was probably when I was seven. So my mom was not in prison yet, but she was actually working two jobs. Was a single mom. So my grandma would watch me a lot. And you know, I was actually molested by my grandmother's boyfriend at the time.

So that was, that was pretty intense, you know, didn't say nothing about it. So I guess that's when a lot of my Problem started as a kid. 

Booda: I'm very sorry to hear that that happened to you. These are conversations that people in my family and I have been having a lot recently too. Just things have resurfaced.

You know how it is. Trauma stays with you for a long time. 

Kasey: Absolutely. 

Booda: You know, did you have anybody at that time that you were able to run to and talk to? Did you have anyone that you could open up to or was this something that you kept to yourself? 

Kasey: It was actually my brother. 

Booda: Your brother. 

Kasey: My brother, he was, uh, let me see, I was about seven, so we're like probably about four to six years different, so I don't know, I can't think right now, my math is really bad.

Yeah, 

Booda: yeah, it's okay. 

Kasey: But, um, you know, he was, he was my rock, he was my best friend, he was the only one that I could trust. Um, to be honest with you, like, I didn't want it to happen to him, so I was very protective with him. Very protective. 

Booda: Oh, man, okay. But, but, you know, but other than that, though, you know, you Your childhood was good though.

You had you had family you had friends you guys you just did a lot of stuff like that Yeah, you how long was your mom gone? 

Kasey: My mom was gone for about three and a half years 

Yeah, 

so she didn't miss, you know, like some things like me transitioning from elementary to middle school You know, she wasn't, you know physically present so that kind of bothered me a lot But at the time like, you know, when you're that young like I had my grandma there.

My grandma was my mom as well , so um You know, unfortunately during the time my mom was incarcerated. I did also get sexually assaulted and abused by a Want to say it's not a family member, but through marriage another We're actually I was probably around 11 and he was like 16. Yeah, so, you know, that was another traumatic experience to add to my life I guess I've been through it all.

I mean you ask me man. I'll tell you everything, you know, and I'm unfortunately Thankfully, I am now able to talk about that without having to, you know, resort to anything else. 

Booda: No, I, I, I really appreciate you being able to be open. You know, I, I know these are not easy conversations. There's a lot of people in my life who have struggled with those types of things.

It's, it's, it's a hard thing to open up about, but at the same time, too, in hopes that Whoever's listening on the other end, you know, that, that, you know, they say we're two or more talk about God that he's there, you know what I'm saying? So I'm hoping that whoever's listening, you know, that maybe, you know, you feel God's presence or something, you know, being able to offer some healing to whoever's out there, you know what I mean?

And, uh, trying to gather my words here, you know, such a difficult thing for a child to have to experience, like you said, mentally, you're just a young child. And it's like, for people taking advantage of a child's innocence, that to me is the most evil thing in the world, right? And the, the fact of not being able to open up or being afraid of what's going to happen and the shame and the guilt that comes when it's not your fault at all.

You know, this is a, this is a monster that's, that's doing these things. You know what I'm saying? I, I, I'm so grateful that I'm, I'm able to sit here and talk with you and see that smile on your face, man. Cause I know, I know there's a lot of people out there that may be listening. To what you're saying right now about the abuse and are wondering like, how would she have the courage to even go into that studio and say this shit on a microphone?

You know what I mean? 

Kasey: Exactly. It's, and you know, courage, it took a minute to get courage. Um, it also, like I said, you know, my, I feel like my message right now for, For people who have been sexually abused, sexually assaulted, molested, even by family members, like, you know, if you feel like nobody's there There's always somebody there.

You just gotta, you know, grab that courage and it did take me a minute to grab that courage You know but as if I can prevent it from happening to anyone else now and sharing that story and Sharing that they don't have to go down that dark path I took, you know Or if they're on that dark path that I took, you know, that there is hope.

There's always gonna be hope. And there's a light at the end of that tunnel. And it took me, like I said, it took me a long time of active usage. Um, it took me a long time of, even like, I, I can even say I even had suicide thoughts, you know? Like, I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't love myself. Uh, so why, if I didn't love myself, why?

What's my purpose here? I could not find purpose in my life. It took a long time. A battle that I struggled with so long. 

Booda: Wow. Wow. And, and, you know, growing up during that time, you know, as you continued to get older and you were going through the schooling and all this and that, Did you end up graduating from high school?

Like, did you do pretty good in school? 

Kasey: Academically, I struggled a little. I always, when it came to time to be approved for sports though, you know, I was always on my game for about the first half. And then the second half I'd have to sit out because of my grades. Um, I did struggle a little bit with grades.

Um, I just couldn't, you know, be focused. I always felt, I guess you can say I did feel sorry for myself, but it wasn't so much feeling sorry for myself. It was more like. I was, I held this shame for a long time from when I was little because I was, you know, shameful. Well, what if these people find out that I'm this way or, you know, not, you know, I was also struggling like with being gay.

That is not very, you know, back then and when my family was like really bad, you cannot be gay. My mom, my mom, that's one thing me and my mom are working on. My mom still struggles with it. You know, she has hope, you know, for me to be light dress. She can walk me down the aisle and I told her that can still happen, but we're still working on that.

Booda: Yeah. I'm going to put these white boots on. 

Kasey: Right? These 

white boots. 

But. As far as academically, I did struggle. You know and I was always, one thing I was always compared to my mom, my mom went to the same middle school and my mom went to the same high school. Oh, you're Rosie's daughter, you know this and that.

Booda: Hi, Mijita, you look so much like your mom! 

Kasey: Exactly, you know, like, uh, your mom was a great athlete so I feel like I always had to be at that potential, as my mom, you know, I never really Sat there and try to get my own identity and like I said, and that's the reasoning Why is I always wear a mask, you know, my mom's an awesome person She's an awesome athlete and she could probably still beat me in basketball and softball to this day.

You know Good. I gotta hand it to the woman. She's good But being compared all the time. I always felt like okay. I had to be my mom's footsteps. Not my own So yeah, that was something I did struggle with. I did graduate though. I did get my diploma. It took me a month later. I was not able to, um, graduate with my class, but I still did it.

And that's a shout out to, um, my dropout preventionist in Pueblo. Her name was Ana Tarazon. That's who I'm actually, you know, residing with. She's still in my life. She's still doing great positive things for me, um, and that's, you know, I did, that's probably the first person I did connect to about like my, my sexual abuse and, and trauma that happened.

Booda: Man, I mean, dude, it's to see how much growth that, you know, from everything that you've experienced and, and, and don't even sweat, like, you know, as far as like the academic shit, dude, I felt eighth and 12th grade, like I was on some bullshit, you know what I mean? We all do it when we're kids. We have this dumb stuff.

But I mean, I'm looking at this story right now, just at the beginning of this, right? Is a young, a young lady who didn't have her father growing up, right? Was thrown into horrible situations where There was absence from your mom as well. Did you ever have those thoughts too of like your dad? Why wasn't he in the picture?

Kasey: Um, I always, I always wondered what a dad was. I didn't know what a dad was. Everybody would have, you know, their parents at recitals or you know, school events, sports. I had my grandma, my mom, you know, I didn't know what a dad was, you know, and it didn't really I guess Clicked to me until honestly to like about, you know, he was in my life and I'm like, who are you?

Some stranger at nine years old, like don't know who you are. And, uh, somebody who tried to be a father, but he still was absent. So I, I didn't know what a dad was. I can, that's all I can say is, you know, I kind of, I guess not, I envied other people and I kind of resented other people for having both parents now that I'm at the age that I am.

Like I. Realize, you know, I had a mom and a dad and she's, you know, still standing in front of me. Like, she's amazing. She showed me sports. She showed me how to change a tire. She showed me how to do a lot of independent things. A lot of girls, sorry to say, that have dads that don't know how to do it because their dad does it for them.

You know what I mean? So she helped me become more independent at a younger life, but I didn't see it that way. Like I said, I just had this mask on that blocked me from, you know, Seen everything in the world that was positive and you know hid me from everything that was negative Which I thought it was hidden, but it wasn't.

Booda: You said what year did you graduate from high school? 

Kasey: I graduated in 2004. 

Booda: 2004, okay So I know you said that it was around 2008 where the iceberg kind of just broke That's where everything you had lost your brother. Up until that point through high school, middle school, things like that I don't know Had, had you dabbled in any substances?

Like, I'm sure, you know, I'm sure you did what teenagers do, but had you gotten into them, like, like, real? 

Kasey: Um, I also struggled, like, with my weight. So, I, you know, met a couple people in high school who did cocaine, was doing it. Um, I was addicted to, like, uh, cocaine. Diet pills, I guess you can say, because everybody in school had like this fit body and I was still kind of, you know, chunky.

And, um, so I always felt like I had to fit in, like I wanted to put that mask on to fit in, to look equal, to be, you know, that pretty girl walking down in a baseball uniform, you know what I mean? Like I wanted to be looked at. So yeah, I did, I did experience, you know, unfortunately, I did experience pot with my cousins.

We're all young. 

Booda: Hey, 

that's the wrong drug you're using. You're trying to lose that shit. You'll be eating ice cream at 2 in the morning. 

Kasey: I thought I was gonna drown when I got in the pool. Like, it was an experience. I do not like pot, I can tell you that for sure. 

Booda: That's funny. 

Kasey: The drug I should have probably liked, I did not like, but anyways.

Um, no, but yeah, I did experience with pot and with cocaine. And when 2008 came, you know, I was like, Still drinking. I mean, in a Latino family, like, you go to parties, like, your tías are asking you, Hey, try this wine cooler, you know, and it's nothing bad. Um, I mean, it is bad, but it's not. I don't know. You have your pros and cons.

I can't say it's not bad, but like, you know, some of my aunts, I'm pretty sure if they would have known then that I did have that added chromosome in me, I'm pretty sure they would not have given it to me. 

Booda: But you know what, though, too, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is an assumption that I have because of my experience with the vaquero, said like, you know, the people that run ranches and there's a lot of drinking and coke out there, like a lot.

I don't know if you know, I don't know if you know my, uh, my best friend, but you're on the south side. He's, he's over there near like three points area. 

Kasey: Yeah, mine's 

more like towards three points. Yeah. 

Booda: And him and his wifey live out there, but they're always at the, over there at that spot. I don't even know what it's called, I feel like a dumbass.

This is, I'm sure this is what people feel like talking to me about technology and shit. Like, uh, over there on, uh, where they do like the, um, Like the bull rides and all that type of stuff on the east side on the west side 

Kasey: west 

side. Yeah So i'm not sure I know what you're talking about, but I can't think of the name either as well But yeah, we're we're out there.

Um, as a matter of fact, it's funny. You mentioned that we did do a um a ride for Sanjulas and um, you know, there's a lot of you know Dancing horses and you know, my horses like they, they have nothing on them, man. Those horses get down, you know, but a lot of drinking, they're passing beers and everything.

And this is just, this just recently happened like almost a year ago. 

So 

I, you know, like being in that environment, sometimes that you kind of can think, man, maybe just one beer, you know, but as for me, Some people that are, you know, not, well, I can't say not addicts anymore, but some people who have went through rehab and have recovered can still drink.

Um, I'm not one of them. I choose not to, I choose not to drink because, you know, I just don't want that one bad day to where the alcohol leads to something more. 

Booda: Absolutely. Yeah. It's all it takes is for that ugly voice to start talking to you. 

Kasey: Oh yeah. And that 

voice, that voice is still there. 

Booda: Yeah. 

No, he's, he's just fucking in handcuffs.

But no, I mean, okay. So. You know, you did that, you know, typical high school shit, drinking, smoking, experimenting, you know, but you graduated, you did what you needed to do. So take us to 2008. With your brother, what was the situation with that? How come he was murdered? I'm so sorry to hear that. 

Kasey: Thank you Um, so in 2008, it was october 13th of 2008 And it's so it's not funny but now I think about it's like man you gotta you gotta watch what you tell people when you're mad because the day before so There's a blessing that came out of this, though.

My nephew. My nephew, um, my brother's girlfriend. Um, I love her to death. My sister and all, shout out to Stephanie. Uh, she, you know, was pregnant, and they were expecting a girl. October 9th, my nephew was born. He was a little boy. Identical 99. 99. My brother's kid looks identical to him except taller, I think and um You know that day was a day of darkness the day before we actually got an argument an argument to where I said some things that I never forgave myself for it.

You know, I wanted him just to be present in his kid's life. He actually, you know, we were kind of struggling with him. He was falling into like, you know, the gangs he just wanted to fit into. And, um, he never jumped into a gang, but you know, he had his homies. That were, you know, not the best influence on him and, uh, so, you know, when I found out he was, you know, he had, he took my Xbox from the house, you know, I'm like, I get home, my Xbox is gone.

I tell him I want it back. He's like, I'll have it for you tomorrow. You know, the last words we said to each other was fuck you. Sorry. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that, but 

Um, so, um, We were both calling my mom that night, you know, complaining about each other. My mom saying we're both telling each other how much we love each other, but I was so stubborn to call him.

The next morning I was contemplating going to work cause I wanted my Xbox. I'm like, this is how to say I wanted my Xbox. And, um, he, you know, I'm like, I'm not going to call him. I'm not going to call him. And then I remember the day completely like so vivid, like it just happened. But around 12, 12 p. m. in afternoon on October 13th that Monday calling and calling he's not returning my phone calls You know just getting I remember back then we had ringback tones and his ringback tone was my life by the game And um, so I'm listening to him like why isn't he answering?

well, then I get a phone call from my cousin who my works at a salon that my aunt owns and um, She's like, what happened to David? And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she's like, well, Brian, which is a cousin of ours, she's like, he called and, and told us that he got shot. And I'm like, what? My mom hasn't called me.

So I was like, man, he's probably at the hospital. Cause let me remind you, like, Two weeks before, three weeks before that, we were just in the hospital with him because he got in a fight, he broke his pinky, or his pinky nail came off, they're trying to sew it on, and, uh, so, you know, and he was all crying, and I'm like, how do you want to be a gang member if you're sitting here in the hospital by crying, you know what I mean?

Like, you have a better life, you know, you have a son on the way, so, um, Yeah, that, that, then I remember calling my mom, and my mom's like, you gotta get to, you know, and it happened at the Circle K, right down the street from my mom's house, which is literally on 12th and Drexel, you know, we pull up, and I don't remember seeing him on the floor, I only remember seeing the tape, and I remember Like, you know, like, and my mom always, you know, would tell him he don't want to, he wanted to go to the military, um, after his son was born, his life changed, he wanted to do better for himself, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, he was with one of his friends who were wearing red, uh, someone in a stolen vehicle, you know, pulled up and, uh, My brother went to fight with his arms and they had him on camera and that guy shot him point blank, gun jammed.

Let me remind you, gun jammed. All you see is everybody running and he ran this way instead of into the store. The guy got the gun again, shot him and it went in. I believe it punctured his lung and came out through his Chest, so, 

Booda: oh my God, how horrible. 

Kasey: Yeah, it was, it was a very horrible experience. And like I said, that day was so vivid to me and I remember wanting to run under the tape, and you are in so much disbelief, you know, so having that crime scene there, you know, thank God they did, they did catch the, the person who killed him, he is doing life.

Wow. So, you know, that would never bring him back. But like I said, it was. You know, a blessing that we did have my nephew and I do have my nephew and I never saw, I can't say I never saw that as a blessing, but because once the drug started, you know, I got addicted to methamphetamine, methamphetamine for years, you know, um, I finally, Because of that incident, I finally confessed to my family.

I had my own intervention. I got my cousins. Didn't want to have the fias, because that's just too much, you know. And at that time, my family was so supportive. They all showed up. And I remember one thing that my godfather told me. He's like, you know, because he's the first one I confessed that I had a drug problem.

He's like, you know, if you Disclose this to your family, you're going to always be looked at as an addict, no matter what. And, that time I didn't know what an addict really was. That time I'm like, I got this, you know. That time my family was willing to take me to, you know, a rehab facility. They were willing to take, and I wasn't ready.

I was not ready. I'm like, I'm fine, I got it under control. Well, unfortunately that led into other drug usage as fentanyl, heroin, um, I mean, you name it, I tried it, except shrooms. I was scared to try shrooms. I don't know why, but, um, like I said, like, you know, all those, uh, the sexual abuse, the, you know, the mustachion, the losing my brother was just all in a big way.

In that mask. 

Booda: Yeah. 

Kasey: That I could not just take off. Like, 

Booda: and, and it's scary because when you're wearing that protection, it's almost like, don't feel Yeah. Don't show any emotion. 'cause emotion's a weakness. You just gotta stuff it up. You just gotta, you gotta handle your business. Right. It's like a kettle, like a, like a kettle on, on a pot kettle.

Like you're just building up so much that eventually it's gonna explode, right? 

Kasey: Correct. 

Booda: Yeah. Earlier you, when you said about your brother, you said that there were things that you said that you could never forgive yourself for. Has that changed? Do you forgive yourself for those things now? 

Kasey: Yes, I do. 

Booda: Good, 

okay.

Because I was going to say, I mean, sibling rivalry, right? I mean, we are never supposed to take any moment for granted, of course, right? But it's like, brothers and sisters, We fight, but that's how the enemy works is by allowing you to feel that shame allowing you to feel that guilt make you feel like oh, man, like, why did you say that a good person wouldn't have said this a good person would have wouldn't have let this person take advantage of them a good person, you know, all of these ugly, ugly, ugly.

Kasey: Yeah, 

yeah. And that's something that was very repetitive in my life. Like I Lost my, you know, faith in God. I lost my faith in my higher power. I'm like, you know, especially growing up in a Catholic environment, of Catholic family. Uh, my aunts were, you know, I was, like I said, I was a black sheep. I was the first one to have tattoos, out of even the first generation.

Um, I was the first one to come out, you know, gay. Are confused bisexual didn't know what I was at the time. You know what I mean? Because it was wrong. It was wrong It was wrong. So every time I did have to go to church every Sunday, I felt wrong I felt you know, like I said, I would just put that mask on and walk into church like And it was very non accepting in my family.

But now, like, now my family is great. And now, you know, my, my family still sits there and tries to talk to my mom. Like, you know, like, it's not going to change. She's been like this since she was like 11 years, nine years old. Like, you know, but you know, my mom. When she's ready to come to terms with it, she'll come to terms with it.

And I don't hate her for that. I used to hate my mom a lot for that. Like not being able to accept me or let me be who I want to be. I felt like I always had to hide that, that smile, you know? But you know, it wasn't, it wasn't my mom, you know? Like now my mom, I love her. I call her like every, it's killing me right now not to be able to call her.

Yeah. And let her know what's going on. You know what I mean? Like I have that bond with my mom that's so powerful now that nothing's going to keep us apart. 

Booda: Wow. No, that, that's great. And, uh, I do want to make sure that I acknowledge the boss shit that you said. I don't even know if you realized it, but you were like, I did my own fucking intervention.

I called everyone up and brought them. I've never had anybody say that, but you know, dude, you're obviously a badass. Like I had to make sure that I gave you props with that. Cause you gotta give them when they're due. Right. Um, How were you introduced to, you know, like those substances, like the methamphetamine and stuff?

It was just, do you feel like it was these ugly energies that were just around you during that time that were influencing? 

Kasey: Um, I mean, it was during, let me see, I was probably about 21, 22, when I started meth. Uh, cocaine was in high school, you know, the girls were doing it in the bathroom. So, like I said, I wanted to be part of one of the pretty girls.

Well, uh, I had went to a quinceanera one time and, uh, I met someone, you know, and, uh, she did coke as well. So we were partying, drinking, and, uh, I had given her money to go, you know, pick up. And she ended up getting meth. Well, when we went back to her house, you know, I'm ready to like set out on a line and, you know, Her nephew actually told me, he's like, uh, you know that's meth, right?

Like, and I was like, what? Like, what's meth? I didn't even know what meth was. Like, he's like, glass. He's all telling me different names. And I'm like, do the same thing as coke? And they're like, pretty much, yeah. So, you know, when they handed me the pipe, I'm like, I don't smoke crack. They're like, it's not crack.

And I'm like, well, I don't smoke it. So I tried it because I didn't want to look. Are you serious? You didn't know what you're buying? You know what I mean? Like I tried it. It was kind of that pressure in the moment. And I can tell you, I didn't end up realizing I wasn't home to like four or five months later, my life just 

Booda: from that one moment, 

Kasey: that 

one moment, one moment, my lips touched that glass pipe.

Booda: And I know you said, you know what the insecurities growing up of wanting to be or feeling at least like you're not pretty right Fulfilling those lies because it's not true and then feeling like you you know You wanted to to to lose weight and all of these things I feel like that drug is just not a good combination for that shit.

It's just not because it's I can only imagine, I mean, we see people all the time, right, that come through, that are on that shit. How long did you do that for? 

Kasey: I started meth when I was about 21, I'm 39, so I, like I said, I'm not good with meth, but it was a very long time. Yeah. Um, I, I've been here, I've been sober for 15 months now, so actually the 23rd of this month would be, uh, 

Booda: How did that work, though, living, uh, were you always living out there on that ranch, or was there times where you lived in the city?

Kasey: You know, function, except for like my time management. I'm, my time management has always been a problem since I was younger, but it was more of a problem when I was using Meth. Um, but you know, uh, just being able to hide it, like being able to hide it, you know, You know, my mom always working, like I said, I was a single mother till this day, she's always working, you know, just being keeping my distance.

And, you know, I always used to, I remember meeting some lady one time and she was like, you don't know anywhere to buy this from? Cause then I had met her that night at the, uh, The same night that I had started meth, you know, and I kept in contact with her and I remember the one thing she told me, she was like, now she's probably in her 60s, um, but she was like 30 at the time and she was just like, eventually within a year, I'm going to see you around all the people I know.

You're going to know all the same people I know if you keep doing this drug. And I'm just like, I just do it here at home when my mom's not here. You know what I mean? Like, or I just do it when, you know, not around. Let me tell you, this lady was so damn right. A year later, I was at one of the houses and she showed up and she just was just 

like, 

She's not, and she's always, she, the one thing she did tell me was like, I've known people who've been sober for 30 years and they still go back.

She's like, addiction is always gonna haunt you, you know, and I, that replays in my mind, but now I don't take it as a negative that, oh yeah, there's, yes, there is that chance I could go back, yes, there is that chance that, you know, I could have that bad day, but I try to change it. Change that mentality to, okay, I'm having a bad day.

Well, go take a ride, fall off a horse, feel a different kind of adrenaline, find something you're passionate about. Fine. You know, like you don't have to be then just because everybody else has been. I've been sober for 30 years and relapsed doesn't mean that can be you too, you know, I've heard, you know It just takes people longer.

It takes and I'm just like said blessed that I have a strong mentality right now And I keep I plan on keeping that strong mentality. 

Booda: I think that's a very important key is Being aware. It's it's like it's like the only thing I could really describe it to other than that would be like with um, Like with my kids, for example.

I give them kisses, I love them all the time, I tell them how much I care about them. But there's a chance, I think, I'm always like that because there's always a chance that they're gonna walk into the school and some fucking crazy kid with a gun's gonna walk into the building, you know what I mean? So I always think about that as like, You know, you have to be aware.

Not being aware of it is being arrogant and thinking that you've got this and you've mastered this shit. And I've seen way too many people. Someone texted me today that has gone through that exact same thing of just being, you know, too above everyone else. They're not, they don't fall under those categories.

Kasey: That's a mentality I did have the first time. I did try to get sober. Try to get sober on my own, off of meth, you know. And, you know, the sad part was I did go to a couple of places and they're like, Oh, well, we can't really put you in rehab because meth is not really a drug that needs, that needs like, yeah, exactly.

Go take a nap and eat. You'll be fine. The problem was, is my drug dealer was around the corner from my house. Still is. Still is. That's still around the corner from my mom's house. You know what I mean? And my mom's always taught me like, Don't run from your fears, always run through them. Like, just bulldoze right through that, like, why are you gonna sit here, be scared for the rest of your life, or live in fear of having to go move somewhere because You're, you're scared to face your problems.

Booda: Oh, you're so blessed to have such a strong mom, man. 

Kasey: She's amazing, man. And like I said, it took me a long time. Any of my friends, you know, I used to always say, I hate my mom, and my mom hate, and my mom's like, if you, if I'm such a bad mom, why are your friends always here? You know what I mean? Like, it was always like, but I never, it took me a while to know, like, my, all my mom's want is for the best of me.

And like, she's, you know, like I said, if she has that strength in her blood, and my grandma had that strength, you know, like, I can have that strength too. 

Booda: Absolutely, you obviously do. That's real. No, I mean, that's cra and, and during that time, it did, did you become all flaquita, all toothpicky and shit from the 

Kasey: Well, let's say the first, like, maybe year, two years, yeah, I did, and after that, hell no, like, I blew up fatter than what I am now.

Just, they know I've always wanted to lose weight and stuff, so I was always like, oh, I'm going to the gym, or oh, I'm doing this, and And doing that. But it did get to the point where my mom was like, no, you're doing something more. Because Yeah, you're the knows. You're, yeah. Like there's, there was no hiding, nothing from my mom or my grandma, but at the same time, like I feel like they weren't ready to see it.

Yeah. Like I said, it took my mom years to finally admit and. On a court, because I have court issues too, you know, on a court. I remember my recent issue, and I was actually going through that here at the Arc. I was looking at 12 to 30 years . Um, I got a drug charge and it was my second to third offense, you know, for sales.

Never even was a drug dealer. I used to always tell the judge, like, look at my bank account. Look at my, you know, I stole from my mom. I, and I'm not proud of it, but it's something that I do have to say because it's part of addiction, you know? Mm-Hmm. , I stole from my mom. You know, I vandalized my mom's house.

The last to go around was my rock bottom. And that's, like, I tell my mom and my cousin, I was just talking to my cousin about this this morning, and she's like, what was your rock bottom? Like, when did that light hit that you needed help? She goes, because we all know you needed help. She's like, but when did you know?

And I said, the day I was on the phone with my mom, screaming at her to send me at least five dollars. Like to cash out me 5 because I needed to get high. I was going through the worst withdrawal ever. And, um, I remember being in her bathroom and I punched after, this is so embarrassing, but I threw eggs all over her house.

I don't know why I was just mad. I wanted to break something and I didn't want to destroy the whole house. So I threw eggs all over her kitchen. And they still talk and laugh about that that day, but in that day it was not something very funny. But I remember being in her bathroom and when I'm yelling at her, telling her how much I hate her, and they're, you know, like, she doesn't love me, and that, you know, like, all I needed was five dollars, and she kept saying, she finally said no.

I punched her mirror until this day is a reminder of going in her bathroom that mirror still broken And I didn't realize it wasn't just the broken mirror was me. I was broken. 

Booda: Yeah 

Kasey: It got to the point where like like what am I doing? Like what am I doing? I just destroyed my mom's house. Like my mom worked very hard to put a roof over my head and um You know, I ran away.

I ran away. Granted, it took me still two weeks to get to rehab, but I did it. I did it. 

Booda: Wow. And I know you said, I don't want to stay too much into the weeds. I really don't. But I know you said that you had even done like with like the fentanyl and stuff like that. I just, I feel like that's an important topic to touch on just briefly because of I mean, I've heard people say like addiction is addiction, right?

But when you start dabbling in that, it's like a whole 

Kasey: It's a 

whole different experience. And that's what, so when for meth, you know, it started getting to the point where meth wasn't doing anything for me, I started shooting up meth. Didn't know what I was doing. None of the people I used to with, you know, they didn't have needles.

So I found a way how to get needles. I was injecting myself wrong, like it would hurt so bad, but it was a different high when I did get it. When that started not being able to become right, you know, of course in that environment, you know, someone's like, why don't you try this? I hated Like, I threw up so many times trying to try it, nothing.

About a week later, I was like, I can't do this crap no more. I don't have money to get drugs. Like, I don't have, you know, I had somewhere to stay, but I chose not to stay at my mom's house, you know? Like, I was always on the streets. So, it came to a point where, you know, I had tried the drug again to see if my body would like it.

You know, I didn't throw up this time, but I ended up going to Codac to go get help and since I dropped dirty for Fentanyl, they chose to put me on methadone because they felt I wasn't being honest when I told them like that's not my drug of choice actually shooting up meth is and She's like well you have you know fentanyl on your system So we're gonna put you on methadone why I ended up getting addicted to the methadone 

Kasey: And so it came to the point where I was You I was able to function sober, my mom was proud of me, um, I was working, but I was still taking my doses, but as my doses were increasing and increasing, it got to the point where, like, I started saving my take homes.

I wouldn't take them, I would just save them in a jar. So then, you know, I ended up going Smoking fentanyl again, cause I tried to get off of methadone and I remember calling an old friend and like, Hey, you know, um, I'm feeling this type of way. He's like, no, you have to wing yourself off of that. You can't just get off of it.

He's all, you know, come and smoke a pill and you'll feel better. Well, that, that was it. That my life was over from there. It got to a point where I was doing both, you know, those jars that I saved, I was, you know, chugging him and smoking. And actually the night before I did come to the ARC, I did try. I, you know, killing myself by overdosing.

I drank a jar of methadone and I probably smoked 20 pills before I, and nothing, you know, and I was like, there has to be a purpose for me if, if, if I'm not being taken out by now, you know, 

Booda: yeah, you know, I, I, my heart and it, uh, my heart goes out to you so much because all I could see, all I could think about, man, it's like, like visualizing in my head.

And it's weird because I normally don't get these type of thoughts when we're doing these interviews But I can visualize in my head is like a young pretty little girl you know that that's just experienced how fucked up this world can be and Being victim to so much horrible things that have happened to them not knowing where to run not knowing where to hide But knowing how to hide And then, you know, it's just, you're adding, without even realizing it subconsciously, it's just adding to the stress and the chaos and everything going on in your life, right?

When that situation happened with your mom And you broke the mirror. Was there a voice? Was there something that happened that made you, like, did you ever have any type of a gut shot where you were like, dude, this is, I, I've got to get my ass to rehab? 

Kasey: I did. I did. That moment, like I said, I was, you know, I punched the, the mirror and I'm just looking and like, my face is like in a thousand pieces.

And I'm like, it's finally like, I, to me, it felt like I broke off that mask. And that mask was telling me like, this isn't you. What are you doing? Like, you have so much to live for. It's kind of weird to explain, like, I had flashes of my grandmother, you know, I had flashes of my mom, I had flashes of my cousins, my little cousins who looked up to me and that weren't allowed around me anymore because of my addiction.

Just different experiences that my family had. You know, in that dark place, like, you know, like, I don't want these kids to think it's okay to do this to their parents. I don't want these kids to think I didn't love them when I have so much love to give, you know? And unfortunately, um, When I was younger, you know, I did get I did want kids, you know, and I was told I couldn't have kids So that was like another burden.

I've always held in my in my heart, you know But now I'm seeing the doctor and hopefully I can you know, I'm not I'm still not gonna give up Yeah, I'm almost 40s. I gotta do it before then but You know, like I just want to I just wanted to I don't know how to explain, then that moment of time, like, you just, 

it just 

clicks, like, and you, like I said, it still took me two weeks to get there.

It still took me, you know, my mom got home that night, and I knew she was, you know, and I had the spare key. I took off in her, her car, went to get hired, and she says, the cops are looking for you. I'm just letting you know that, and my mom, that's not the first time she called the cops on me. You know, and it got to the point, like, what am I doing, you know, I sat there crying, and like, what am I doing, I remember parking a car at McDonald's, and like, dipping, like, I was like, I'm not gonna get, go get arrested again, cause let me remind you, in 2016, I had gotten, uh, drug paraphernalia charges, uh, was what they did to me.

It was my first offense ever, so, put me on probation, while then I ended up getting caught again. Going to jail, you have, I went with friends, you know, like, oh, I'm gonna take the rap for it. Well, nobody took the rap for it, so they hit me with prison time. I did three years in prison. Well, two and a half.

You know, so that was a whole nother experience in my life that I had to realize, you know, oh, I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change. 2019 comes when I get released. Well, I started drinking again, partying, you know, my best friend, partying with other people that I met. Like, it's just drinking, it's not gonna go anywhere.

Went to, you know, Coke, and then I went to, threw a breakup that took a toll on me. And I can't blame that person, cause I was, I think I was still trying to find an outlet because I wasn't ready to quit. 

Feel, you know, I have a lot of parents that come up to me, I have a lot of, you know, people who are still inactive using, message me like, Hey, you're doing the damn thing.

Like we're proud of you. Like how did you do it? Like I need to go get services I need to do this and I'm like, I can't tell you how I did it You have to be ready yourself and do it. I can guide you when you're doing it I said but you know You have to want it if you're trying to do it for the wrong reasons like for everybody else There's many times where I try to get sober cuz my grandma's BEG me.

My grandma sat there and cried, my mom sat there and cried, and for those two women to see them cry, who don't cry, who I've always seen so strong, like, it still didn't phase me, I just still didn't care. Like, the kids even seeing me like, why do you do this, why are you never here for our birthdays, why are you, you know, this person, or You know, why are you going to your friend's house?

Like, I would literally take them with me, tell my mom I'm going to the store, and I'd go pick up, you know what I mean? And they would be in the car. Like, that, to this day, still haunts me, and I, that's trauma for them now that I look at it, you know what I mean? And I don't want, I don't know how to explain it, but like I said, that light, like, all this stuff I'm explaining to you was in that moment, in that little time of when I punched the mirror and was like, what the hell are you doing?

You know? And then, like, for me, like I said, And for me, like, to pull to, I, I remember telling the bus driver for Suntran, I was at the bus stop right here. And I was like, okay, you're going to drop me off in front of this rehab center. And if you see me try to get back on the bus, because I would get dropped off, wouldn't walk through, I would just walk away.

Or I would, you know, just take the bus again. And I asked that bus driver, like, if you see me tomorrow trying to get on the bus, can you just Please not pick me up or make me walk or do something and she's just like looking at me like, okay, you know, whatever She's like what are you talking about? well, like I said, you know that night that I I've you know during that two weeks that after that incident happened at my mom's shelter in that two weeks of Trying to get to rehab, you know still using drugs still doing this I I got to the point to where I woke up in the middle of the desert and I had gotten assaulted again And I got left for death it got to the point to where like I was Bleeding.

I was really hurt. Um, I literally was going to withdraw so bad and you know, I'm like, I'm all alone. 

Booda: You dont know how you got there? 

Kasey: I did not know how I got there, you know, and I literally just hit my knees. Like I've hit the floor and I'm like, God, please, please. Like asking my higher power, like, please help me, help me.

And it was so crazy because I. You know, took the bus again. I'm trying to tell you this is like my fifth, sixth time within two weeks taking the bus this way. Um, I stopped at the Circle K. Okay. I was like, I'm gonna get a Polar Pop. You know, I was, I was withdrawing really bad. And 20 bucks flies out of nowhere and hits my shoe.

And I'm like, Oh, cool. I could go. I know. I was like, I could go, I could go score. So I got a Polar Pop. I got a Butterfinger. I could tell you exactly whatever the change was. Like I went and bought some, you know, some pills. And I I promised, you know, myself and I promised God, like, you helped me get the, and, and, and, like, guys, now that I think about it, a lot of people tell me, like, that wasn't God, that was the devil trying to keep you away from rehab, you know what I mean, but, I see it as, like, you know, I ask this favor, in the time of need, and, and, and, Whether it was helping me or whether it was a choice to pick up or not, I still picked up.

But like I said, I tried to end my life before I got here and that was that with 

Booda: that 20? 

Kasey: I was with that 20 and Nothing. Next thing you know, they're calling me in to come to detox and I wake up like 77 days later Like I was it was a really bad detox for me. 

Booda: So this 20 that hit your foot was That was the 20 that you used to get the Polar Pop, to get the Butterfinger, which fuckin bomb by the way.

Kasey: Yes, it is. 

Booda: Uh, and uh, and you bought some pills, right? 

Kasey: Yes, I did. 

Booda: That was the money that you tried to kill yourself with, those pills that you had right there. It's weird to me because I could see it either way. I could see it either way. I've seen different situations in my life where God has tempted me.

He's not necessarily tempted me because he doesn't do that, but there has been a temptation in front of me. 

Kasey: Absolutely. 

Booda: And after I was able to nunchuck that shit and make it go away, right? I felt this sense of like, yeah, I did the right thing. I do feel like there are certain things in this world that happen for a reason.

And it's hard to say if that was the devil, because it could have been, right? It could have been, but at the same time too though. It was this after you hit the mirror. 

Kasey: Yeah, so this was within the two weeks after I hit the mirror, 

Booda: right? So yeah, maybe it was the Devil 

Kasey: So like once I hit the mirror like I went on my own journey, I told mom I'm going to rehab So, you know, my mom hadn't heard from me.

So she thought I was rehab, you know, and um, I I literally You know said you met the wrong people hung out at apartments hung out anywhere Dumpsters it got to the point where I was dumpster diving. I never even thought I could even like see myself doing that ever like and um, it got to the point where like I was stealing I stole from convenience stores.

Thank god. I didn't get caught but people do Um, and it got to the point to where like just this whole journey. I think I needed to take back by myself. 

Kasey: Not around the people I used to hang out with, not around my family, not around my my friends, who, you know, have dealt I have two best friends, Denise and Don, and they've been through dealing with my shit since I was 15 years old, man.

And, um, It's something I had to go for by myself. I had to feel alone. And I had, even though I felt that loneliness every day of my life, I don't know how to explain it. Like I said, when you wake up in the middle of the desert, and, you know, your clothes are ripped, you're bleeding, you're, you know, have no, you know, One there to coddle you, no one there to tell you it's gonna be okay.

Like you, you look for your higher power. You look for, you know, something, you're asking yourself questions. And like I said, it was something that I just, I probably won't. No, why but I dropped on my knees and I just said just get me to rehab 

Please 

just get me to rehab and I will do as you say Like it was just you know, like I said during that time too.

I was facing charges Uh, so, you know, I had gotten out of jail county time like I was facing 12 to 30 years in prison 

Booda: the thing that you said That stays with me the most out of everything out of this entire testimony. The thing that you said that stays with me the most is the fact that you hit your knees and cried It says in the book.

All right for for people who who aren't faithful. I'm not shoving nothing down Anyone's throat. I respect and love every single one of y'all but it says in the book Cry out to me And I'll hear you. I don't know the scripture off the top. I'm telling you, that's God telling me right now. You need to learn that.

Yeah, right? I'm gonna have to go back and read that right? But almost every single testimony That we have, where that change happens, is when they've cried out to him. Like, not, hey, please, it's crying out. You know, and, and, I think that's so, so powerful, dude. 

Kasey: Yeah, it was, it was a powerful moment, and like I said, at that time, now that I talk about it, and I share my testimony, like, I was like, wow, like, you know, there's been many a times that I've prayed to God, and like, bring my brother back, or why didn't you take me instead, like, I care less about life, like I said, I wasn't always I was You know, the happiest, I portrayed myself to be the happiest person, but I wasn't.

I was deep down inside, I was dark, I was like, you know, like Didn't find purpose. I didn't have purpose. 

You 

know, my, I remember my, I still call her my sister in law cause that's my brother. She was a love him. He, that girl was the love of life for my brother. Um, you know, she, she would tell me like, you have your nephew, like you have to be present in his life.

Like he left you with this gift. You have to, you know, she couldn't understand. But like I said, you can have kids, you can have nephews, you can have nieces. You can have the biggest support in the universe. But you have to have that in you. You have to support yourself. You have to get that in order to have those connections and realize what those connections are for your addiction is you have to just drop and surrender.

Like I basically surrendered to survive. 

Booda: Man, that's, that's so beautiful, man. That's, that's incredible. It's like, it's like the Grinch's heart growing three times, right? It's like growing. 

Kasey: I love the Grinch. 

Booda: Yeah, for real. And did you, uh, was it, the moment that you cried out, was it like an instantaneous thing?

I've heard people talk about, we had a woman in here, shout out to JoJo. She had said that, uh, when she was out on the streets, that when she cried out to God, she immediately felt, she couldn't really describe it, she said it just felt like somebody put a warm blanket over her. 

Yeah. 

Like immediately 

Kasey: it's it's it's to me like when I hit it was like kind of like I felt My body being lifted from the ground.

I felt I didn't feel weak I felt you know, like someone guiding me guiding me to the place where I need to go guiding me to fix my life I want to say it's the Holy Spirit. I want to say, you know, it's my higher power I want to say it was just my bloodline. That's the strength, you know But to this day, you'll never know and like, you know, some people Don't find that light ever, you know, and they have these those these experiences, you know, these bad experiences and You know, but I just that's why I want to make sure like to tell them, you know You're not alone Even though you don't feel that light that I felt like you have light around you to help you feel that light, you know 

Booda: Yeah, I 

Kasey: guess that's the best way you can say.

Booda: Oh Man, that's incredible dude. And and Your journey, has it been an easy one since then? 

Kasey: Heck 

no. 

Booda: No? 

Kasey: It has not, I mean, so, let me tell you this, in a Residential we had to do a vision board and in my vision board I had put that I wanted to be a horse owner my That's been my vision since I was little my mom used to tell me her experiences when they had horses and stuff But you know my mom being a single mom.

She couldn't get me a horse She got me a car, but she couldn't get me a horse and you know so I gave myself five years. Uh, thankfully I am a now a horse owner. 

Booda: That's cool. 

Kasey: Um, she's a brat. Her name is Dakota. I also am a, I have a heel, a little heeler named Stetson. And you know, that was like, wow, like my dream's coming true, you know?

And then it gets to a halt where, you know, unfortunately in the company that I work for, they, they shut down. Income stopped coming in. I'm like, I have a horse, I have, you know, a dog, I have a truck payment now. Like, What am I going to do? In that moment, a long time ago, I would have ran. I would have been like, you know, screw it.

I'm going to lose it anyways. It's something that I'm very passionate about. So I, you know, I got another job. I'm working part time right now, security. Unfortunately, they do have to let me go now because of my felony. I am on probation right now. My felony is drug charges, but you have to get a fingerprint clearance and fortunately like she said, you know, you're an awesome worker It's not nothing.

I did cry. I did cry, you know I told my mom like I can't catch a break sometimes like it seems like you're sober now and you have all these opportunities But some of these opportunities fall and you got to be ready for it. You know, like it's it's not an easy thing Um, I did actually during um My journey of working off, you know, I was riding a horse, so let me tell you how I got this job.

So I linked up back with Ana, you know, um, like I said, I'd known her from Pueblo high school. I linked, saw her, she posted something on Facebook. I haven't talked to her since high school. Lost touch with her. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure she would have tried to keep me on a straight path too. But she, you know, I was looking for a Wrangler.

And I was like, I can do this. I love horses, you know? And so I'm like, I love horses. I can do this. So they go have us do, you know, I've seen, I was watching YouTube videos, like till that next day of my interview, I didn't know it was gonna be a working interview, so they had me get on a horse, you know, the guys had to help me up because, uh, Even though like, you know, it's not that easy to get on a saddle.

Some people think it is. Yeah. Some people it is. Some me it's not. I still try until this day. But, um, you know, I rode a horse, you know, she hired me. My life changed and my life changed. I had that light and a again, and, you know, like, I, I just, I love horses, my passion for horses, but she, you know, she's never given up on me.

She's like, she's like another mom to me. You know? Like my, I have my mom, my mom's. My mom and I love her dearly, but she is like there too. So it's great to have these awesome people in my life, but I don't even know where I was going with this story. 

Booda: No, no, no. You're good. That's the, that's the short term memory.

Kasey: Oh yeah. That's what I was getting at. So the reason why I have a short term memory too, besides the drugs is I got in a horse accident. We were riding I finally got comfortable with it's called loping but the horses go really freaking fast Yeah, wasn't ready for the turn. I cracked my ribs on a brick priller Try to get up and I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't you know, my co workers they knew I was in recovery They're like They're asking, do we give pain meds? Cause I was just screaming the whole time that I couldn't breathe. And they're like, yeah. So they felt like, Hey, you know, like they didn't, they were, everybody was scared in the moment because they gave me, you know, Diaudid which is really, really freaking strong.

Like, and so going through that. Recovery was, you know, uh, I didn't get addicted to pills. I didn't get, you know, and that right there was like, I can do this, man. 

Let me tell you, just two months ago, I went back into the hospital because I needed my gallbladder out. I mean, not my gallbladder. I'm sorry.

My, um, I had gallstones. I had gallstones, very painful. Um, again, here comes like the pills and we can do this, you know what I mean? And like I took one as needed, but being able to like I said, if this was probably a year and a half ago, two years ago, like would I be able to have done that? No, I would have abused it.

So like I said, uh, just going through these, this journey hasn't been easy. There's been a lot of challenges, but as I know, I want more of sobriety than I did addiction. 

Booda: Wow, that's incredible. What would you say to somebody out there who may be on the fence? Maybe they haven't reached their rock bottom yet, and then they're afraid like you know how Listening to your story like how is this possible?

How is this person? Is this real? You know what I mean? Like what can you say to them? 

Kasey: That's so funny. You asked me that cuz my cousin asked me the same question this morning. I was like Um, I don't know how I'm going to answer that. It's just like, well, they're probably going to ask you. So you got to know how to answer.

And I'm like, well, I still don't know how to answer it. So I've been thinking about that. What I would tell them is like, you know, as those times to think about, like when you were scared to be on your own out there, when you were scared, there's always that moment, no matter how high you are, you're scared.

You're scared. It's not it's you don't have to be scared of change. You don't have to be scared to Get find yourself like, you know, get take off that mask take off that mask that's holding you back from change as far as like, you know, well if in that final moment like if you feel like you'd are lost and you feel like there's no hope for you, or, or if you feel like, how do I say this, like, feel like you're lost, there's no hope, you know, you feel like it's, it's just better to end your life, it's not, because your story, what you went through, can help that person who's feeling the way you're feeling right now, like, Don't sit there and beat yourself up to it.

Even to this day, like, I would still try to beat myself over things and, like, you know, like you asked me earlier, like, for, you know, did I forgive myself and my brother? Like, yeah, I did and I had to, but it took me years. You know, it's never too late to change. It's never too late to find that there is another paradise out of the addiction world, um, out of the drug world.

You know, the way I see it is, like, you think that you're alone. But at the same time is my fear was also having an out of body experience of seeing everybody at my funeral and to knowing I had Support and if you don't have support meet people the NA program has been a very awesome program for me as well You know you meet I've met a lot of people who don't have the support I do but let me tell you I will be Your support, you know, I have a sponsor.

She's amazing She I have to call her every morning just to like give her a hard time and she's laughs at me You know, I mean I can she gives me a hard time It's just something that we do find that connection with some find you a sponsor find you a counselor find that one person I like to use this term, but that you zing with it's from Hotel Transylvania, you know, find your zing and um You just have to find your zing, like don't, don't, that's why I feel like I have to, not have to, but I really want to put my whole heart and soul of being the recovery support specialist to those people who are lost, those people who feel like they cannot get to rehab, can get to rehab, you know, it's going to be a struggle, it's going to be painful, it's going to be, but let me tell you after that pain and struggle, even, you know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You know, all that pain and struggle you went through, if you did go through the abuse, if you're sexually abused, even if you never had any of that, you just fell into drugs, like, there's still a light at the end of the tunnel, like, your story is gonna impact somebody's life, and change somebody's life, you know, um, I've lost a lot of friends to addiction, I've lost a lot of friends to relapse, you know, and it, at that moment, like, I still, to this day, you know, know I can't save everybody, but I'm wondering, like, If I would have said this to that person, would they have not done it?

You know, but if I can't live on that moment, but I can live on the moment of saying that to somebody now, like, hey, maybe my story will help you come through. Like, you know, maybe your story is worse than mine and I want to hear it so that way I can help you. You find your light or you can help me find your find that light in helping someone else, you know, so That's the best way to explain it 

Booda: You 

killed it.

That was incredible. No for reals, dude Kasey, I I really want to thank you so much for coming everyone else man. Get up out your seats Please give it up to my home girl again That was absolutely fantastic man, and thank you so much for the beautiful energy, you know I'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna send this episode to mike as soon as we're ready to go Hopefully you can check it out 

Kasey: Tell him I'm looking 

for a job.

Booda: Yeah, no, for sure. Hey, Mike, she's ready. 

Kasey: I'm ready. 

Booda: She's 

awesome. She's awesome. And, you know, just thank you so much for coming through and sharing your testimony. Seriously, man, that meant the world to me. And this made my whole week. It really did. So You know, for, for all the listeners out there. Thank you guys so much for the continued support.

We're gonna be going through some changes here. Hopefully soon things, you know, I appreciate every single one of you guys who continues to ride with us and Checking out all of these episodes. Please make sure that if there's somebody in your life that needs to hear this Please send it to them, you know And if you're out there and you want to be a part of the show Um, feel free to, uh, to hit us up.

All of the links and stuff are in the show notes of this episode. We are also doing a fan mail now, which is freaking awesome. So if you go on to the show notes of the episode, you're going to see a little thing that says to send us a text, it's anonymous, you can send us a text message, say that you love the show, say that you hate the show, say Ray's got a big ass head, whatever you want to say, we're going to put all that out there, but until next time, man, I hope you guys have a beautiful weekend, much love, God bless, and we will definitely see you on the next one.

Peace.